Recently at my job as a video producer, there is a new creative director that stepped on our creative team. I knew him already but I always kept my distance from him. Not in fear but looking at it, it was cause I don’t have the same interests as him. Actually I don’t have many vices like smoking, drinking, or weed smoking so networking was a weird one for me these past few years. Also I felt a sense of self pride that I don’t need to associate myself with other “filmmakers” because I’m got my own path. I learned this shit almost all by myself, and operated by myself. Why? There’s a host of reasons but in short it’s because I want CONTROL.
I was always taught at home as a child to be better not cause it was told or instilled in me by my folks, but because I felt I didn’t have any love because I was always sad and depressed as a child. Now I don’t want to dive in this section of my life because I’ve found an acceptance of the past and healed, but there are wounds that blaming anybody like my parents will do me no good.
Moving on to the past few years 2015-2019.
During the time I went to travel and left the country, this guy really put in the “work” (networking/hob knobbing/getting gigs) to elevate his craft, and I on the other hand wanted to discover myself (alternate skills, speaking, self healing. Side note: I didn’t want to be a director in production but a director that looks for production companies, the cinematographer/photographer/illustrator had a natural knack to want to do production and learn about the gaffing, key lighting etc… I on the other hand just never felt like I fit in. I was down with the musicians, artists, skateboarders and surfers. Funny thing is that I ended up shifting away from people like this as I spent my time abroad.
So here he is at the company more often as a collaborator, but ultimately I know in reality this guy is a filter between me and the owners of the company. In order to meet this situation head on I decided to hang out with this guy out of the work scenario. I like hanging out with him, even though I don’t have the same experiences as him. For some reason, I can’t accept a guy younger than me running the show. I either “gotta be equal to you or above you.” Why? I thought I was better than him. In what way you may ask?
Without listing any qualities I think that my own sense of self importance is what makes me think I’m better than the next person. If I’m in control of my health, and finances it gives me confidence and this confidence came from within and the adaptation to the environment.
I’m sharing all my deepest thoughts right now. I am a dictator sometimes but I am also a really good supporter in a team. It’s very extreme on both sides of the positional spectrum, however I’m finding my fit.
Overall I am unserious about life. I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t have real long term plans accept gaining my overall financial freedom.